The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence

Each hour, 75 women are raped in the United States, and every few seconds, a woman is beaten. Each day, 400 Americans suffer shooting injuries, and another 1,100 face criminals armed with guns. Author Gavin de Becker says victims of violent behavior usually feel a sense of fear before any threat or violence takes place. They may distrust the fear, or it may impel them to some action that saves their lives. A leading expert on predicting violent behavior, de Becker believes we can all learn to recognize these signals of the "universal code of violence," and use them as tools to help us survive. The book teaches how to identify the warning signals of a potential attacker and recommends strategies for dealing with the problem before it becomes life threatening. The case studies are gripping and suspenseful, and include tactics for dealing with similar situations.

People don't just "snap" and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. "There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil." Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to preventing it. De Becker is a master of the psychology of violence, and his advice may save your life. --Joan Price

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A Q&A with Gavin de Becker

Question: In todaya€?s world, where terror and tragedy seem omnipresent, the fear of violence never seems more heightened. Is the world a more violent place than it ever has been?

Gavin de Becker : Your question contains much of the answer: todaya€?s world, "where terror and tragedy seem omnipresent..." The key word is "seem." When TV news coverage presents so much on these topics, it elevates the perception of terrorism and tragedy way beyond the reality. In every major city, TV news creates forty hours of original production every day, most of it composed and presented to get our attention with fear. Hence an incident on an airplane in which a man fails to do any damage is treated as if the make-shift bomb actually exploded. It didna€?t. Imagine having a near miss in your car, avoiding what would have been a serious collision--and then talking about every hour for months after the fact. Welcome to TV news.

To the second part of your question, No, the world is not a more violent place than it has ever been, however we live as if it were. The U.S. is the most powerful nation in world history--and also the most afraid.

Question: Your bestselling book The Gift of Fear gives many examples to help readers recognize what you call pre-incident indicators (PINS) of violence. What role does intuition play in recognizing these signals?

Gavin de Becker: Like every creature on earth, we have an extraordinary defense resource: We dona€?t have the sharpest claws and strongest jaws--but we do have the biggest brains, and intuition is the most impressive process of these brains. It might be hard to accept its importance because intuition is often described as emotional, unreasonable, or inexplicable. Husbands chide their wives about "feminine intuition" and dona€?t take it seriously. If intuition is used by a woman to explain some choice she made or a concern she cana€?t let go of, men roll their eyes and write it off. We much prefer logic, the grounded, explainable, unemotional thought process that ends in a supportable conclusion. In fact, Americans worship logic, even when ita€?s wrong, and deny intuition, even when ita€?s right. Men, of course, have their own version of intuition, not so light and inconsequential, they tell themselves, as that feminine stuff. Theirs is more viscerally named a "gut feeling," but whatever name we use, it isna€?t just a feeling. It is a process more extraordinary and ultimately more logical in the natural order than the most fantastic computer calculation. It is our most complex cognitive process and, at the same time, the simplest.

Intuition connects us to the natural world and to our nature. It carries us to predictions we will later marvel at. "Somehow I knew," we will say about the chance meeting we predicted, or about the unexpected phone call from a distant friend, or the unlikely turnaround in someonea€?s behavior, or about the violence we steered clear of, or, too often, the violence we elected not to steer clear of. The Gift of Fear offers strategies that help us recognize the signals of intuition--and helps us avoid denial, which is the enemy of safety.

Question: Your latest book, Just 2 Seconds, has been called a "masterpiece" of analysis on the art of preventing assassination. It contains an entire compendium of attacks on protected persons across the globe. What motivated you to put together such a definitive reference? What tenets can be applied to onea€?s everyday life?

Gavin de Becker: Most of all, we wrote the book we needed. My co-authors and I had long looked for an extensive collection of attack summaries from which important new insights could be harvested. Unable to find it, we committed to do the work ourselves, eventually collecting more than 1400 cases to analyze. Many new insights and concepts emerged from the study, and the one most applicable to day to day life, even for people who are not living with unusual risks, is to be in the present; pre-sent, as it were. Now is the only time anything ever happens--now is where the action is. All focus on anything outside the Now (the past, memory, the future, fantasy) detracts focus from whata€?s actually happening in your environment. Human being have the capacity to look right at something and not see it, and in studying such a crisp event--the few seconds during which assassinations have occurred--Just 2 Seconds aims to enhance the readera€?s ability to see the value of the present moment.

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Domestic Violence Will Change Lives

Domestic violence is increasing in almost every part of the world. It is growing not only among heterosexual couple but also between partners of same sex. A result of tension loaded life-style and ego clash, domestic violence is emerged as the biggest reason after broken relationship.

Charged-up Domestic Battery in the City

In the city of Las Vegas, the percentage of violence has increased more than any other part of USA. This violence is taking place among people of all age group including teenage couples as well as old-age pairs. Nowadays almost every alternate couple in the city is looking forward for services of domestic abuse lawyer.

In accordance with Nevada law, if any outward scars is visible on a woman or man's face, she/he is surely dealing with the domestic trauma. These scars are obvious sign of the domestic abuse. Generally people try to hide these external wounds, scars and bruises, as they don't want to break their family and try the most to save it. This normally happens in a case when a female is the victim of domestic abuse.

Many times, it is anticipated that women do not want to reveal the reason of such scars because they want to save the culprit but reality is something else; According to almost every Las Vegas domestic violence lawyer, victims do not reveal names of perpetrator because their ultimate aim is not to save their partner instead they want to save their children. They do it to save themselves too, as it is always poor to face the questioning eye of others. This way they try to console themselves by thinking that she allowed no body to peep in her life. Las Vegas domestic abuse lawyer also confirms that in few cases, such abuse becomes very dangerous as it leads to the case of suicide, family murder or murder of spouse.

In many cases, after tolerating a continued domestic torment, victims find themselves helpless, which is the most treacherous condition. At this phase, they either try to kill themselves or punish the person who is responsible for their poor conditions. A poor domestic atmosphere make these victims more prone to depression and feelings of self-abhorrence. Las Vegas domestic violence lawyer suggest victims family to provide a legal as well as emotional support to the person, who is going trough the sad case of bedroom torment.

Domestic violence is curse not only for the victim but also for his/her family and the entire society. Also known as domestic battery situation, this is responsible for thousands of death every year. A domestic battery situation cuts the victim from his/her family, friends and all the loved ones. People suffering from the high-level of domestic violence, generally try to keep them selves away from everyone. Psychologists explains that they do it for the sake of getting way from the social embarrassment. All the domestic abuse lawyers advocate that, the victim must get proper legal support at such delicate phase of her/his life. There are numerous laws in support of such people.

Chuck Stewart recently reviewed the cases of a Las Vegas domestic violence lawyer. He was fascinated by the quality work provided by the Las Vegas domestic abuse lawyer he spent time with.

Domestic Violence Is Alive And Well

Unfortunately, domestic violence is very much alive and well -- and thriving. According to the National Victims Center, one woman is raped every minute, and 30% of all women murdered in this country are murdered by their boyfriends or husbands.

Domestic violence is a particularly grim topic and a vicious crime, because it involves pain and suffering (even loss of life) inflicted by a friend, someone who claims to care, or a so-called loved one.

Many people ask, "Why don't the victims just leave? Why do they stay?"

The Abuse We Don't See

Usually by the time the physical abuse starts in a relationship, the emotional and psychological abuse has already destroyed all the dignity and self-esteem of the victim.

Victims feel ashamed and are embarrassed to tell others about their situations. They are fearful of leaving because of threats from their abusers and financial dependence.

In many instances, victims are manipulated to believe they deserve this treatment and it is somehow their fault. Abusers know exactly what to say and do to keep the abused in emotional captivity.

Victimizing the Victim

Victims view leaving as being more painful than staying, because of the imagined and real repercussions either from the perpetrator or from society at large.

Many people in the world still don't understand domestic violence. Therefore, they victimize the victim further by blaming the victim or making comments like: "You should have just left." "I would never be so stupid as to stay in an abusive relationship." "That would never happen to me."

People make jokes in our society about men "getting over" or using women -- men who are " Players." Even today, there are still groups of people who have the mindset that women are not equal to men and are just sexual objects.

Control

Domestic violence is about control -- being mentally controlled by a significant other. That is the reason why, after leaving an abusive relationship, a victim will go back to her abuser an average of four times before she decides she has the mental strength to leave for good.

Now What?

I believe the remedy for domestic violence lies in building a society in which we honor ourselves. When we honor ourselves, it is difficult to dishonor someone else or to be dishonored. Yeah, easier said than done.

We can start with our children and try to stop domestic violence by educating the new generations.

Teach Our Children

Tell our children how wonderful they are. Tell our girls and our boys from the time they are born that they are glorious miracles. Teach them to love, respect, and celebrate who they are -- just because. Teach them that we all come from one wonderful source. Teach them that each of us can only be as strong as the weakest among us.

Teach our children how to honor by honoring them. Teach our children how to respect themselves by respecting them and respecting ourselves. Teach our children that to love someone -- being in love -- is to encourage each other to be free and to support each other in expressing and exploring all of the wonderful possibilities in life.

Teach them that love is not about control. Love is about wanting the very best for all concerned.

In the Meantime

In the meantime, let's start by at least acknowledging that domestic violence does exist and is a major problem in our society. It knows no economic, racial, religious, gender, or educational boundaries. Let's take it out of the closet and deal with it. Talk about it. Tell somebody about it.

Support your local shelters and any programs in your community that are about helping to save the lives of victims of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and psychological and emotional abuse. They need our help. By helping them, we are helping ourselves.

The Price

According to a report from the American Medical Association, family violence costs this nation from 5 to 10 billion dollars annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and non-productivity.

Educate Yourself

Educate yourself, your loved ones, your friends, your neighbors, and, of course, your children. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that there is life after abuse.

Know the Warning Signs

o If you meet a man who says, "Yes, I've hit women in the past, but they made me do it," RUN.

o Avoid anyone who rushes you into a firm commitment very early in the relationship.

o Think twice about committing to someone who says, "I cannot live without you."

o If you're in a relationship where you feel you have to watch what you say -- you are not comfortable being yourself, because you don't want to upset him or be criticized -- know that this is not a good thing.

o If you're in a relationship with someone who wants to know what your every move is -- he interrogates you about where you were, who you were with, and what happened -- run.

o Think twice before you get into a relationship with someone who never takes the blame for anything - if according to him, it is always somebody else's fault.

o No matter how flattered you feel that someone wants you all to himself (disrupting relationships with friends and family), this is a serious warning sign.

o There are many other signs that can alert us to be cautious about continuing a relationship with a certain person.

Many times we see the writing on the wall, but for some reason, we refuse to read it until it's too late.

Don't Settle

Don't be a "settler." By this, I mean, don't just settle for any relationship for any reason. Know what you want and know especially what you don't want in a relationship, ahead of time.

Stop Domestic Violence

We are miraculous individuals. Many of us have "beat the odds" more than once. We have done what some said could not be done. We've moved forward when we thought we were stuck. We have faced challenges and walked through them with ours heads held high.

Surely, together, we can end this unnecessary pain and suffering. We can move domestic violence out of our lives.

I believe we do have the power and the ability to build a society in which we honor ourselves. When we honor ourselves, it is difficult to dishonor someone else or to be dishonored.

Wambui Bahati "Miss Inspiration" is an inspirational and motivational speaker and entertainer. Her passion is reminding you of your magnificence. http://www.wambui-bahati.com/

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Analysing the Types of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is defined as "inter-spousal physical or emotional abuse." It's easy for victims to say, "Well he doesn't actually hit me," but harmful words, threats, name-calling and manipulation often lead to more serious consequences later down the road. Often, couples in domestic disputes lose sight of reality and feel that fighting is "normal," or that it's "healthy to disagree." However, one should never feel afraid of his or her partner, unable to freely discuss certain topics without provoking outrage, or restrained by a partner's obsessive jealousy.

Johnson and Ferraro (2000) classified domestic violence into five different types. The first type is called "Common Couple Violence," where there are one or two incidents of extreme violence that doesn't follow a pattern of attempted control. These abusers (which are 56% male and 44% female) are usually non-violent outside the house and are least likely to be sexually or emotionally violent. The second type is called "Intimate Terrorism," which is a pattern of control and manipulation that involves emotional abuse. These assailants are more likely to kill their partners and plot revenge following the breakup of a relationship.

The third type of domestic violence is "Violent Resistance," where one partner acts controlling and intimidating, while the other partner reacts in violent self-defense. This kind of violence may be a one-time event or a pattern. "Mutual Violent Control" or mutual combat involves two people using violence to control one another. The last domestic violence type is called "Dysphoric-Borderline Violence," which describes a needy, dependent and emotionally imbalanced person who turns to "pitbull" type violence out of frustration, depression, fear of abandonment and neediness.

The biggest risk for personal injury in domestic violence relationships comes at the point of separation, which is why most victims are reluctant to leave. Since threats and violence are typically control strategies, the abuser may feel more inclined to react extremely to maintain power.

However, the break can be done quickly, efficiently and safely with a proper plan. Emergency, shelter and counseling services are available through the Red Cross, Family Rescue, the National Organization of Women and the National Domestic Abuse hotline. These organizations can help you devise and implement a safe escape plan.

Once domestic violence has occurred, you must immediately begin planning how to get out. While you prepare to leave, take photo documentation of injuries sustained during a violent episode, take pictures of damaged property if applicable and write down everything that happened. Tell someone what is happening to you. If you are injured, then go in for care.

Be sure your children are safe at a friend's house or at least locked in their room. Hopefully, you have saved some emergency money, saved a spare set of keys and have kept your financial documents, medication, identification and important documents together, ready to go. While it may seem difficult to imagine leaving, there is no way to live happily and healthily in an abusive situation.

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Teenage Depression - Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in the world today. While violence and abuse in the home has long-lasting traumatic effects on children and teenagers alike, it is during the critical teenage years that domestic violence most impacts on the emerging adult. Research suggests that teenagers who are exposed to domestic violence have a high risk of having violent relationships themselves, either as the victim or as the abuser.

It is estimated that more than 3 million children and teenagers are exposed to domestic violence in the United States each year. Domestic violence refers to the act of unwarranted violence and physical intimidation of one or more members of a household on one or more others. It is important to remember that there is no 'typical' picture of violence in a home and it is often very well hidden from those on the outside, even close friends and family. The stereotype of domestic violence is that of the father abusing the mother. However there are many reported cases of the reverse being true, of teenagers physically abusing their parents and even of older siblings behaving violently toward siblings. Also, while drugs and alcohol is often an influencing factor, there are many instances where the abuser is a respectable member of the wider society.

Teenagers who experience domestic violence have the difficult task of hiding their traumatic realities from their peers, while still maintaining a facade of normality within their social lives. This is especially difficult in the teen years, because it is during this time that social occupations such as sleepovers, having friends over to 'hang out', hosting parties, etc, are important. When teens are afraid to open their homes to friends, and remain secretive about their home life, it has a negative impact on their ability to build close relationships among their peers, leading them to feel lonely, isolated and depressed. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that domestic violence often results in the teen struggling to form trusting relationships and the onset of teenage depression is most likely, especially among those with a not-so-strong personality.

The teen years are also a time of dating and starting to develop more adult relationships. When a teen lives in a home with domestic violence, they lack examples of healthy relationships to learn from which often results in the teen engaging in violent relationships themselves. Other negative effects of domestic violence are that the teen may become overly anxious, and struggle to concentrate which impacts on school work. When teenagers in violent homes have younger siblings they often 'grow up' too quickly taking on the parent role in an attempt to protect their younger siblings. Teenagers who live in violent homes need the support of a trusted adult such as a school councillor or social worker to help them deal with the problem. It also really helps to be able to confide in a close friend, especially when the trouble at home escalates.

The must read book: "All you wanted to know about Teen Depression", is available at: [http://www.depression-teenage.com]

Anne Ross is a Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Crises facilitator, Cranial Sacral and Myofascial Therapist, including various other Massage/Body/Energy techniques, but above all she is a mother.

She is an accredited member of the Traditional-Medicine Society and the Association of Transactional Analysis.

Domestic Violence and Women

Every single day a number of health care professionals have to encounter an incident of an abused victim turning to them to request help. But even of you are not a trained professional you should be familiar with what domestic violence is and what it can do to victims. Then you will be better prepared to react correctly in case you encounter such an unfortunate incident. Helping the victim regain a sense of control over his or her life should not be your responsibility if you are not a trained professional, but being informed can sometimes save a victim from keeping everything within and self-destruct.

Domestic violence is characterized as a pattern of coercive behaviors that may include repeated battering and injury, psychological abuse, sexual assault, progressive social isolation, deprivation and intimidation. Someone who is or was involved in an intimate relationship, with the victim, might perpetrate these behaviors. According to official data from law enforcement units and medical institutions, gender plays an important role in dynamics of abuse. Over 85 percent of reported victims of domestic violence are women and most perpetrators are men. Moreover, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women of all ages and the leading cause of injury to pregnant women and ladies between 18 and 44 years of age.

On the other hand, domestic violence is also known as "partner violence or spouse abuse" since experts recognize that also men may be abused in intimate relationships. In addition, many of today's societies report domestic violence incidents between gay or lesbian partners, since this type of intimidating behavior is not a characteristic of a specific sexual orientation. Physical assault, sexual abuse, threats against person, creating stress and psychological damage to children or loved ones, destruction of home or personal property, are some of the most common cases reported as examples of domestic violence incidents.

Unfortunately, although extremely common, domestic violence is considered an extremely sensitive subject that victims do not easily report and thus it remains confined inside the particular territory of a family's neighborhood or even walls. Some of the most common domestic violence myths include that it is a behavior pattern indicative of particular economic and social groups; it is a marital problem; victims will never speak of what they are experiencing; it is associated with alcohol or drug abuse; and that violence can be handed down from one generation to the next.

In fact, research indicates that violence may be a learned behavior, particularly from observation, however all men who are violent do not have histories of violence in childhood. Very interesting is the fact that unmarried partners and those who are separated or divorced have higher rates of abuse than those who are married. Additionally, rate of domestic violence vary little between economic and/or cultural groups. Finally, while studies have shown that alcohol and/or drug addiction and violence frequently coexist, they are not resulting from each other and that violent behavior will not end unless professional treatment and adequate interventions address both problems; the substance abuse and the violent behavior.

Kadence Buchanan writes articles on many topics including Women's Health [http://forahealthywoman.com/], Cooking [http://cookingforfun.net/], and Women [http://iwomensinterests.com/]